Somehow...
... despite a liberal dose of my "happy-sleepytime medicine," I've managed to drink for 12 hours straight, without really getting intoxicated at all. I'm not quite sure if this means that I have finally arrived- that I have finally become a pro, OR if I should be ashamed.
I've never had a *problem* with alcohol.... I can drink a dozen every day/night for a week or two, and then go without a single drink for months.... I used to do it all the time.
I was hoping to try and stay off the sauce as a means of dealing with this...but honestly, as I told my friend Matt tonight... "I've barely slept, and I haven't eaten in a couple of days. I could not POSSIBLY be any more miserable. I can either keep going like this until I black out from the stress, the torment, the malnutrition, and the sheer exhaustion-- or I can have a few drinks, get my mind off of it, regain my appetite, eat, sleep, and wake up tomorrow somewhat replinished and ready to continue battling this."
It also helped me a ton tonight (last night) to go out with some friends, stay busy, and to find out that there are some girls who actually DO think I'm attractive. Who'd have thunk it? I had a great time, and I'd really like to thank my closest friends who forced me to get off of my ass and quit moping. and PS- A BIG THANKS to every single one of you who emailed me or called me and let me know to keep my head up and that all would be well. It means more than you know. The support has been overwhelming, and it really served to drive home the point that I HAVE done the right thing, that I HAVE been the good guy.
There's always that certain little sliver of feeling like you somehow failed... even though there was nothing that you could have done... the slight little feeling that you're giving up when you said that you never would, but there comes a point... fair is fair.
To tell the truth, I've actually been dealing with this MUCH better than I thought I would.. being cheated on, lied to, and betrayed is always gonna suck, but I honestly have less trouble letting go now that I know I've done all I could. This was a second chance that never should have been given in the first place, and it seems that it will be that much easier to walk away this time around.
.... and I'm being nice by saying "second" chance- it's probably more like the fourth or fifth. I'm done trying. I'm done giving and sacrificing to someone who refuses to give and sacrifice back. I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results, and the pattern is established, so it's time to go.
The sting goes away with time. The tormenting mental pictures that keep me awake at night become less and less frequent. Longer and longer periods of time pass by that none of it crosses my mind whatsoever. And that's when I know that I'll be just fine. Life will go on... there is surely someone else out there who is just as charming, just as attracted to me, just as capable, and WITHOUT the self-destructive tendencies.
There HAS to be.... and here's why-- I believe that those of us who are chosen to draw a hand such as this are chosen for a reason.
Because we are the ones who can handle it. We are the ones who can remain on our own two feet, and move on- a little wiser, a little less naive, but none the worse for wear in the end. We are the ones that can and will love again.
I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that what goes around comes around, and that those of us who have been selfless, giving, understanding, and caring will be the ones who are rewarded the most in the end........ and those of us who are nothing but malicious, hurtful, and selfish will continue to suffer.
There is hope for me... I've been "putting pennies in the karma bank." Others who have done nothing but rob it and other people blind for years... well, the time will come to pay the debt eventually. And I think the interest is pretty high on karma these days.
As I pointed out to my friend Devan this evening- "Look at me.... If I look THIS GOOD at the lowest point of my life thus far, then what do I have to complain about??"
Absolutely nothing. I tried. I gave all. It won't be instantaneous, but at some point, I'll be able to move on and hold my head up high and with confidence.
This is surely not the end of me dealing with this situation, but once again, THANKS EVERYBODY. I love each and every one of you.
T
I've never had a *problem* with alcohol.... I can drink a dozen every day/night for a week or two, and then go without a single drink for months.... I used to do it all the time.
I was hoping to try and stay off the sauce as a means of dealing with this...but honestly, as I told my friend Matt tonight... "I've barely slept, and I haven't eaten in a couple of days. I could not POSSIBLY be any more miserable. I can either keep going like this until I black out from the stress, the torment, the malnutrition, and the sheer exhaustion-- or I can have a few drinks, get my mind off of it, regain my appetite, eat, sleep, and wake up tomorrow somewhat replinished and ready to continue battling this."
It also helped me a ton tonight (last night) to go out with some friends, stay busy, and to find out that there are some girls who actually DO think I'm attractive. Who'd have thunk it? I had a great time, and I'd really like to thank my closest friends who forced me to get off of my ass and quit moping. and PS- A BIG THANKS to every single one of you who emailed me or called me and let me know to keep my head up and that all would be well. It means more than you know. The support has been overwhelming, and it really served to drive home the point that I HAVE done the right thing, that I HAVE been the good guy.
There's always that certain little sliver of feeling like you somehow failed... even though there was nothing that you could have done... the slight little feeling that you're giving up when you said that you never would, but there comes a point... fair is fair.
To tell the truth, I've actually been dealing with this MUCH better than I thought I would.. being cheated on, lied to, and betrayed is always gonna suck, but I honestly have less trouble letting go now that I know I've done all I could. This was a second chance that never should have been given in the first place, and it seems that it will be that much easier to walk away this time around.
.... and I'm being nice by saying "second" chance- it's probably more like the fourth or fifth. I'm done trying. I'm done giving and sacrificing to someone who refuses to give and sacrifice back. I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results, and the pattern is established, so it's time to go.
The sting goes away with time. The tormenting mental pictures that keep me awake at night become less and less frequent. Longer and longer periods of time pass by that none of it crosses my mind whatsoever. And that's when I know that I'll be just fine. Life will go on... there is surely someone else out there who is just as charming, just as attracted to me, just as capable, and WITHOUT the self-destructive tendencies.
There HAS to be.... and here's why-- I believe that those of us who are chosen to draw a hand such as this are chosen for a reason.
Because we are the ones who can handle it. We are the ones who can remain on our own two feet, and move on- a little wiser, a little less naive, but none the worse for wear in the end. We are the ones that can and will love again.
I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that what goes around comes around, and that those of us who have been selfless, giving, understanding, and caring will be the ones who are rewarded the most in the end........ and those of us who are nothing but malicious, hurtful, and selfish will continue to suffer.
There is hope for me... I've been "putting pennies in the karma bank." Others who have done nothing but rob it and other people blind for years... well, the time will come to pay the debt eventually. And I think the interest is pretty high on karma these days.
As I pointed out to my friend Devan this evening- "Look at me.... If I look THIS GOOD at the lowest point of my life thus far, then what do I have to complain about??"
Absolutely nothing. I tried. I gave all. It won't be instantaneous, but at some point, I'll be able to move on and hold my head up high and with confidence.
This is surely not the end of me dealing with this situation, but once again, THANKS EVERYBODY. I love each and every one of you.
T
posted by tjayswift at 9:46 AM
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