fun stuff...
So here's a nice juicy something that I've never blogged about.
I'm sure that I've mentioned in the past that I honestly have THE WORST luck with women. I could count on one hand number of girlfriends that I've had who have NOT cheated. And I'd still have 3 or 4 fingers left over.
A few years ago, I had been with a particular young lady for just over 3 years. We'll call her "A." I spent about two of those years sharing a house with A and her mother. It was, despite its inital appearance, an awesome living arrangement. We all got along fantastically, and I handled many of the more manly duties around the house. This was during a time when I'd had a bit of a minor falling out with my own parents, and for those two years or so, her mother was a fantasic inspiration, confidant, and motivation for me.
At one point, her mother invited me to dinner alone, and I happily obliged. She actually asked me to marry her daugher. She told me that she loved me as if I were her own son, and that while she didn't mind her other daughters' boyfriend, she wanted me to be around forever. Wanted me to be a part of the family. It was, and will remain, one of the most touching moments of my life. She also asked me not to tell "A," and of course I didn't.
Fast forward about a month.
Without any warning whatsoever, "A's" mother had a massive stroke. "A" found her in her bedroom slumped over one morning when she went to say hi. We don't know how long she was there, but it wasn't looking good. She was still breathing, but barely. Whether or not she had any comprehension of what was going on around her is debatable.
Being that there wasn't a whole lot of immediate family around besides A, myself, and her sister, we were in a bit of a position. Her condition deteriorated at the hospital, and after waiting a few days to see if things improved, sleeping in the ICU waiting room, we made the decision to remove her from the life support, and shortly thereafter, she passed.
Wow. A completely healthy 51 year old lady, with whom I had just worked on the yard with the night before, completely incapicitated in the blink of an eye. It was like having the rug jerked out from underneath us.
"A" didn't really have any money at the time, as she was in college, and I had pretty much been supporting the both of us. I stood up and took care of a lot of the immediate financial needs. I helped plan and take care of the funeral, and took both "A" and her sister shopping for new dresses to wear to the funeral, mostly with money that I didn't really have to spend at the time.
I sang at the graveside services. I was the rock. I was there to console "A," and I can honestly say that I never shed a tear in front of her at the time. I knew that she couldn't handle it. She needed me to give her strength and courage, and as hard as it was, I put my emotions mostly aside in order to be there for her, and hold her together.
"A's" father was no longer in the picture, and she had always been a Momma's girl, anyway. It was devestating to her on a level that I cannot even begin to comprehend. "A" lost both her Mother and her best friend on that day.
To cut to the chase, about a week after the funeral, "A" began to withdraw. I could kinda understand it at the time- she just couldn't handle having to deal with anything more than the grief at the time.
She asked for space. She began spending the nights at her mother's house, while I stayed elsewhere. She quit going to her classes. She began drinking heavily, and staying out all night every night with her friends.
One day, I stopped by on my lunch break to give her some money. There was a strange car in the driveway, which I didn't think too much about. Lots of old friends had come out of the woodwork to offer support at the time.... Of course I still had a key to the house, so I let myself in.
Her bedroom door was locked. I knocked, heard some shuffling about, and she told me to wait a minute. At that point, I got a little uneasy, and asked that she open the door immediately. And when she did, the look that was on her face said it all.
It was the look that someone gives you when they know that they're screwed. There was no attempt at apology, no words, no anything. She just looked at me, and I knew.
The guy that was in her bed attempted to introduce himself to me. My gun was within my reach, and I seriously considered shooting him dead on the spot.
Instead, I turned around, and walked out of that house for the last time.
They are now married, and I haven't spoken to her since. I do keep up with some of her family, and none of them have heard much from her, either.
For the first time in three years, I saw them at a concert last week, and I know that they saw me. I was with another girl- actually, one who "A" used to know pretty well. The eye contact was awkward, but I couldn't think of a single word to say that seemed appropriate.
I DO honestly hope that they're happy.
My relationship with her was never perfect. It had its ups and downs, just like any, but hindsight being 20/20, I lacked the maturity and experience at the time to recognize the signs that it couldn't ever last.
I'm telling you people, from LOTS of past experiences- if you have anything more than a sneaking suspicion that someone is a liar, a cheater, or both, just leave. Do yourself a favor and get the hell out. It's only a matter of time. TRUST ME.
I've got lots of pictures to share from the past week, and I'll get to putting them up shortly. Hope everyone is well.
-t
I'm sure that I've mentioned in the past that I honestly have THE WORST luck with women. I could count on one hand number of girlfriends that I've had who have NOT cheated. And I'd still have 3 or 4 fingers left over.
A few years ago, I had been with a particular young lady for just over 3 years. We'll call her "A." I spent about two of those years sharing a house with A and her mother. It was, despite its inital appearance, an awesome living arrangement. We all got along fantastically, and I handled many of the more manly duties around the house. This was during a time when I'd had a bit of a minor falling out with my own parents, and for those two years or so, her mother was a fantasic inspiration, confidant, and motivation for me.
At one point, her mother invited me to dinner alone, and I happily obliged. She actually asked me to marry her daugher. She told me that she loved me as if I were her own son, and that while she didn't mind her other daughters' boyfriend, she wanted me to be around forever. Wanted me to be a part of the family. It was, and will remain, one of the most touching moments of my life. She also asked me not to tell "A," and of course I didn't.
Fast forward about a month.
Without any warning whatsoever, "A's" mother had a massive stroke. "A" found her in her bedroom slumped over one morning when she went to say hi. We don't know how long she was there, but it wasn't looking good. She was still breathing, but barely. Whether or not she had any comprehension of what was going on around her is debatable.
Being that there wasn't a whole lot of immediate family around besides A, myself, and her sister, we were in a bit of a position. Her condition deteriorated at the hospital, and after waiting a few days to see if things improved, sleeping in the ICU waiting room, we made the decision to remove her from the life support, and shortly thereafter, she passed.
Wow. A completely healthy 51 year old lady, with whom I had just worked on the yard with the night before, completely incapicitated in the blink of an eye. It was like having the rug jerked out from underneath us.
"A" didn't really have any money at the time, as she was in college, and I had pretty much been supporting the both of us. I stood up and took care of a lot of the immediate financial needs. I helped plan and take care of the funeral, and took both "A" and her sister shopping for new dresses to wear to the funeral, mostly with money that I didn't really have to spend at the time.
I sang at the graveside services. I was the rock. I was there to console "A," and I can honestly say that I never shed a tear in front of her at the time. I knew that she couldn't handle it. She needed me to give her strength and courage, and as hard as it was, I put my emotions mostly aside in order to be there for her, and hold her together.
"A's" father was no longer in the picture, and she had always been a Momma's girl, anyway. It was devestating to her on a level that I cannot even begin to comprehend. "A" lost both her Mother and her best friend on that day.
To cut to the chase, about a week after the funeral, "A" began to withdraw. I could kinda understand it at the time- she just couldn't handle having to deal with anything more than the grief at the time.
She asked for space. She began spending the nights at her mother's house, while I stayed elsewhere. She quit going to her classes. She began drinking heavily, and staying out all night every night with her friends.
One day, I stopped by on my lunch break to give her some money. There was a strange car in the driveway, which I didn't think too much about. Lots of old friends had come out of the woodwork to offer support at the time.... Of course I still had a key to the house, so I let myself in.
Her bedroom door was locked. I knocked, heard some shuffling about, and she told me to wait a minute. At that point, I got a little uneasy, and asked that she open the door immediately. And when she did, the look that was on her face said it all.
It was the look that someone gives you when they know that they're screwed. There was no attempt at apology, no words, no anything. She just looked at me, and I knew.
The guy that was in her bed attempted to introduce himself to me. My gun was within my reach, and I seriously considered shooting him dead on the spot.
Instead, I turned around, and walked out of that house for the last time.
They are now married, and I haven't spoken to her since. I do keep up with some of her family, and none of them have heard much from her, either.
For the first time in three years, I saw them at a concert last week, and I know that they saw me. I was with another girl- actually, one who "A" used to know pretty well. The eye contact was awkward, but I couldn't think of a single word to say that seemed appropriate.
I DO honestly hope that they're happy.
My relationship with her was never perfect. It had its ups and downs, just like any, but hindsight being 20/20, I lacked the maturity and experience at the time to recognize the signs that it couldn't ever last.
I'm telling you people, from LOTS of past experiences- if you have anything more than a sneaking suspicion that someone is a liar, a cheater, or both, just leave. Do yourself a favor and get the hell out. It's only a matter of time. TRUST ME.
I've got lots of pictures to share from the past week, and I'll get to putting them up shortly. Hope everyone is well.
-t
posted by tjayswift at 3:48 AM
19 Comments:
After time and time again of being screwed... once shame on them, twice (or more)... you must find something attractive about these women or they have some use in your life.
You could be choosing them on purpose. If you choose a relationship that is doomed from the beginning, what does that provide for you? The obvious is that it avoids having to commit forever (even though you say that's what you want), but there may be other reasons...
You have to figure out what that is to stop the cycle.
What's written above is an interesting probe...
I'll add another. I've heard it takes half the time of the relationship to get over it. So, if you were together 1 year, it takes 6 months to get over it.
How much time was there between S, A, S, S, K and all the smaller relationships in between?
In your rant against K, "In fairness, I had told her from day one (nearly a year ago) that I was NOT ready for any sort of relationship..." Isn't that the way most of your relationships start?
If you're not ready, do you think you can give as much to the relationship as it deserves, even if you want to?
So, you go through the relationship giving all you can give and the girl's complaint is always that it's not enough. Maybe it's truly not. Maybe that's why many of them eventually cheat.
What if, instead of starting a relationship when you know you're not ready, you bucked up, showed some self-restraint, and said no?
Your defense is probably that you were honest with the new girl, you told her, and so it was her choice. That might fly once, but you've got a pattern here. Different rules apply.
I don't think you're inherently evil and want to hurt these girls (who eventually hurt you back). I do think that you use them to recover beneath the cloak of the term relationship.
With them around you don't have to sleep alone. You have someone to do life's daily chores when you just don't have the energy or desire, to tell you you're sexy and musically talented. There is someone who listens and then bends over backwards to be better than those who have hurt you…
In my opinion, if you want to stop the cycle, you need space and time alone. Give yourself the chance to recover without the crutch that a girl provides.
I'd add that you need to do this sober, but I'll save that for another time.
Ooooh! Fun, intelligent comments!!
I'll start with the first one-
anon #1- Yes, you have an excellent point... there must be a way to stop the cycle, and I need to figure out what it is.
The first thing that comes to mind is that I either don't stop relationships that I know aren't going to end up going anywhere (although I always wish they would), or I don't end them when I know that they won't last forever. I should be a little stronger in the future, maybe a little pickier, and not waste my own or anyone elses' time by continuing when I know that we won't ultimately make each other happy.
I don't think that avoiding forever commitment is a part of the picture, but I'll also be the first to admit that I don't quite have it all figured out. I WILL say that from DAY ONE of meeting "S", that I had a LOT of "forever" feelings. That's why I put up with as much as I did.... the interaction between our souls felt soooo real. SHE is the one that is in a group by herself, though. That girl got the royal treatment from the get-go.
The only way I can find to fault myself in that one is that I didn't cut her off when I first realized that she had a tendency to lie instead of saying what I didn't want to hear. The problem snowballed....
The others fall into the other category... either they didn't challenge me enough intelluctually, I had other things going on that I hadn't dealt with (and sometimes didn't realize), or it just wasn't the way things "should" be.
I've realized that at least part of the reason I get cheated on is that I'm probably a little too forgiving. I feel like every girl I get involved with looks at me as being a better "Mr. Forever" than a "Mr. Right Now." It almost feels like they all want to be with me in the end, but not at the moment.
And yes, there is a bit of a pattern. The three that I have blogged about recently have all been very outgoing, with feisty, defiant attitudes. But each one of them still had the ability to charm the pants off of anyone at anytime. They were all educated, well-spoken, quite eloquent, and knew instinctively how to get exactly what they want, every time. None of them communicated their feelings effectively in a one-on-one setting. Perhaps I should also mention that they were all redheads... ???
I DO need to break my pattern.... it's just a matter of really figuring out how to do that...
Thank you SO much for your observations and input.
Anon #2- I *think* I might know who you are- and if I'm correct, then I need to say again that I'm sorry. You really caught the worst part of me. And I'm still very sorry that I hurt you.
Either way, first off, I'm not entirely sure that I agree with the "half the time of the relationship" thing, BUT- you do have a point- I never gave myself the amount of time that I needed to before moving on.... I've perpetuated this cycle by continuing to do that.
The words that I said to K early on are honestly not the way most of my relationships start. MOST of them start with a total head over heels, 0-100 in the blink of an eye kinda way. Fast and hard. She was actually my first real attempt and keeping things slower from the beginning. I obviously didn't do a good enough of it.
Relatedly (that's my favorite self-invented word), the whole "I give all that I can and it's not enough" thing has only been fairly recent, and is not indicitave of the way I work. The ONLY time that situation has arisen is when I don't even need to be in the relationship in the first place.
Up until now, and even through my relationship with S, I've been the one on the other side. She didn't cheat because I wasn't giving enough. I was asking her for too much, in her eyes.
I let S continue to affect my life by responding to her attempts to contact me and keep me on the line. In the past, I held hope for her... if she called, I'd drop ANYTHING that I was doing to pick up the phone.....Those days are over. She gets nothing now, except ignored. I DO realize that that's the only way for me to get back to the real me, and as hard as it is at times, that's what I'm doing, without compromise.
You are correct that I should be strong and not start a new relationship until I'M ready. It's just soooo hard to say no to a beautiful girl....
The thing about our interaction (again, if you are who I think), is that you never really got to see the real me. YES, it was wrong of me. I should have never become involved with you in the first place. But it has not become a major recurring pattern. I'm NOT running around breaking young ladies hearts, as it seems that you suspect. It hurts me to know that I put you in that position, and it's my honest intention to not do that to anyone else. K was a differnt situation.... I wouldn't quite say that what happened between you and I and what happened between her and I are really that similar.
I'm honestly doing the right thing now... I'm not actively pursuing anyone at the moment, and it's not really a goal of mine to have a relationship at this point. And I'm gonna be a bit more choosy next time.... Now, at least, I know the way that things are supposed to be, and I realize the importance of being honest about that with both myself and others.
Thank you, too... I'm really glad that you decided to comment- and once again, I'm so very sorry that you were hurt. You are a noble and kind soul, to even be checking in on me, much less offering constructive criticism. Things will get better for you and I both.
T
I need to add one thing- Anon #2, you wrote,
"So, you go through the relationship giving all you can give and the girl's complaint is always that it's not enough. Maybe it's truly not. Maybe that's why many of them eventually cheat."
Are you implying that it's my fault that people cheat? In my mind, there is no excuse for cheating, period. There's no way to come up with any valid reason for it. It's wrong, and can be SO easily avoided.
I'd honestly rather someone just up and leave me with little to no explanation and THEN go be with someone else than them be unfaithful. If they were unhappy with me enough to cheat, they should have ended it beforehand.
I refuse to believe that I gave anyone a good reason to cheat, or that it's because of anything that I did or didn't do. Any mature adult should have sense enough to be faithful. It's not asking that much of someone to not be involved with other people behind your back.
Ah, sorry to hear all this. I can relate, I seem to get cheated on too (many times by one jerk).
But...wow, this totally ruins the stereotype that women never cheat and men do all the cheating.
Good to know (even if it comes at a cost, eg., your faith in womenkind).
Don't worry. There are some many girls out there who would never even think about cheating. You'll come across one soon enough. In fact, you are better off finding a loyal and faithful woman than she is in finding a loyal and faithful man. Just the way it works.
And by the way, Anon #2, that is just bullshit.
No matter what someone does, how they act, what they say there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. If you are truly unhappy with your SO, there are more mature and unselfish ways to deal with it than cheating.
There is no excuse for cheating and those who make excuses are just cheating themselves.
Monogamy should not be virtue. It should be expected.
Wanderlust,
No worries, it didn't cost me my faith in womankind at all... I continue to hold my head up high, and I can say without a doubt that the transgressions of those in the past will not be held against those in the future. It's just not fair for anyone when things work that way.
My dear mother said it best- She said, "Son, if there's anything that you're full of, besides shit, it's faith. "
Love you, Mom!
Anon#2... I didn't mean to imply that you directly cause these girls to cheat. I'm sorry if it came across that way.
What I meant is that because you move from one relationship to the next so quickly, that (possibly unknowingly) you spend much time during the new relationship healing. During that time you don't have as much to give, even though you may desperately want to. Misunderstanding the situation, the new girl may take solice in someone else.
If she chooses to be unfaithful instead of just making a new friend, she holds sole responsibility for that action.
Cheating doesn't always have to be a physical thing. Have you ever thought that it's possible you're not being completely faithful with others by just being emotionally unavailable? Might need to marinate on that a bit before you jump into the next "relationship".
anon#2... just so you know, the "Cheating doesn't always have to be a physical thing" entry was not made by me.
Oh. In that case, let me re-word my response (GREAT, we have 3 anons now):
I think emotional unavailability is a whole 'nother can of worms.... and I certainly don't think that it constitutes infidelity, as you imply.
Sure, it's not "fair," and it's not "right," but I don't think that it's anywhere in the ballpark of actually cheating.
Were your words meant to sound so spiteful? I'm not quite sure who you are, or if you even know me.... "emotionally unavailable" is a term that few, if any, people would ever use to describe me. Only someone who has been romantically involved with me in the past three or four months has ever even had a glimpse of me in such a light. That begins to narrow it down...
I MADE SOME MISTAKES. I'm sorry. I've admitted that I hurt some people. (Two?) But I would certainly like for you to realize that I am NOT galavanting around the world with my dick wet and a smile on my face, leaving a path of destruction and heartbroken young ladies in my wake.
(and the crowd chants- Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!)
We do not know each other and my comment was not meant to be spiteful. I was going along with what the first two were saying and commenting on not being ready for a relationship. If your not emotionally available you are both cheating yourself and the other person by not being honest about it. That is all.
I watched Cheaters last night...not something I normally do...but anyway. So, there was this guy and he fucking knew his live in girl friend was cheating on him and not working out, but instead of just leaving or kicking her sorry ass out he had to get Joey Greco involved. It was hysterically good drama.
But, yeah, I'm always the first to get out of something that I know isn't right even when it hurts. I mean if you think something's not right it probably isn't. Now I'm reiterating, so I'm gonna go back to my blog now.
I don't know you very well, so I can't comment on anything but what I've read on your blog.
There is no excuse for cheating... ever, ever, ever. So don't let anyone tell you that you caused it in any way, shape or form. Some people cheat, and some people have mature relationship "skills" (for a lack of a better word) and know how to deal with unhappiness or problems in a relationship.
As far as breaking the pattern, the only advice I can give is, don't put up with shit from ANY woman. Demand respect. If they know you won't put up with them, they are a lot less likely to betray you and a lot more likely to be faithful and try to hold onto you. Make them chase you for a change.
And as a disclaimer, I'll add that I try my best not to give relationship advice because I'm always single. However, I've been single because I don't settle. If it means I'm alone because I expect certain things (opening doors), then that's ok with me.
anon3- That's fair. I do see your point, I just wanted to make it clear that "emotionally unavailable" is a fleeting characteristic that is totally not my style. I didn't enjoy being that way any more than anyone else did.
BV- Yeah, I always change the channel when that show comes on... For one, it hits a little too close to home with me, and drags out lots of emotions that I'm currently trying to move beyond... For two, those people are just STUPID.
HarleyBlue- I am trying to make them chase me a little. Is it working? ;) And yes, I'm a total door opener, dinner buyer, flower bringer..... and I've gotten SO tired if it ending up unappreciated. Why is it that the girls who always say that they want a nice guy end up acting like they really don't in the end?
According to "K," part of the issue is that, to girls, I can appear to be a total "bad boy," with the tattoos, long hair, the motorcycles, the potty mouth, etc... but when they get to know me, I'm like the punk rock Don Juan.
I'm marinating on myself right now, TJay, and my coworkers...well...my coworkers think it's a little foul. Something to think about before you take some anonymous strangers advice. ;)
As fucked up a girl as I am and as normal of a girl as I am. I am both. Just so you don't come to my blog and think I'm a completely crazy psycho. I do have a house and a car and a job. Just so we're clear. Anyway, as fucked up a girl as I am...I've never cheated on a guy or been cheated on. At least to my knowledge.
Cheating to me stems from insecruity on the cheaters end. I never blame the person that got cheated on b/c the other person ALWAYS has the ability to move on. There is NEVER a reason to cheat. If you were my boyfriend and you were emotionaly unavailable to me or whatever, you're not tying me down, I can leave and I would. I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, I think these girls are just as unavailable, if not more so, than you. Cause really, what kind of a person would put up with that? It's called freewill, baby, pass it on.
Also, you're only 26...you and I have a couple of years to unfuck ourselves. I'm currently unfucking as we speak.
Yes... apparently it is working. ;)
Don't stop doing those nice things. It means so much to some girls. A lot of girls are idiots and so fucked up that they don't know what they really want. They want to be treated well, but they also want to tame the one that no one else has been able to tame and make him treat them well. Which in my mind, is idiotic. Most of us learn our lesson there. Bad boys are exactly what they are named... bad. After a couple of heart breaks, you don't want that anymore.
And from what I've gotten from you, you don't seem like a bad boy at all. You seem kind of shy actually.
There is NO way you are a bad guy, bad boy...bad anything. You are one of the sweetest guys I have had the pleasure of getting to know. These things unfortunately happen, to good people. They happen all the time, the best thing you can do is learn from it... and you are. In the years that I have dated and been in relationships I have learned, it isnt about someone good coming into your life, it's about being so good to yourself that you dont allow the bad ones to steal from you. You are well on your way to getting out of life what you put into it.
Post a Comment
<< Home