keys
Every time I think I have it all figured out....
I don't.
Some things continue to baffle me beyond comprehension. Especially when I'm half drunk and I realize that the times that I think I have it the most figured out are the times that I'm the farthest away from actually comprehending it.
Part of the curse of being an 'artist' (yes, i use the term loosely) is that moments of realization are sometimes just a flash in a pan. Sort of.
See, every now and then, I'll have a total revelation in which all things make perfect and complete sense. A moment in which I simultaneously realize, decide, and act with no doubts and no reservations. A blind leap, normally, with nothing but faith in fate itself to carry me along.
Soon thereafter, however, the feeling of total confidence and enlightment escapes my conciousness just as quickly as it appeared. I become disoriented, uneasy, I withdraw from social situations, I mope, I second guess, and I drink.
I normally feel like I have me figured out pretty well. My discovery and subsequent study of the Zen philosophy was basically like reading the thoughts that were already in my head, only written by someone else.
This has nothing to do with religion, though, only spirituality and general conciousness.....
I try to keep the things in my life as simple as they can be. I'm working hard towards cutting the things out that don't bring me happiness on a certain level. And I do realize that those things are different for me than they may be for other people.
But honestly, sometimes I get so frustrated and confused. And it's always when the human element gets added. Other humans.
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm a people person at heart. I'm a very social person by nature. I live to share and interact, to see people smile, and to relate to people. Because of that, I get asked for advice quite often..... It's just getting so hard these days....
Here's the way I look at things, in a nutshell.
Nothing HAS to be a certain way. No matter what you want to tell yourself, no matter what other people say. You and only you make the decision to do each and every single thing that you do each day.
If you don't like it, change it. It really is that simple..... why do some people have so much trouble grasping that?
If your job makes you miserable, then quit. Find something that makes you happy. But wait, you have bills, right? But that job doing something that fulfills you wouldn't pay enough, right?
Then look at it this way- you're already miserable. You probably spend the majority of your time either at your crappy job, or thinking about your crappy job. So what is the point to your existence? So you can work there for 20 more years and get to move 3 cubicles over for 30% more money? I hope that raise covers the treatment for your ulcers and your depression....
And that's the drawback for most people. They're just not willing to take a chance on being happy, because they don't really know what it feels like.
If you've never had a job, a special someone, a new toy, or just an inner peace that made you want to leap out of bed in the mornings and get going, then you're missing the bus, my friend. Because the happiness that comes with that is irreplacable. It IS out there.... it just takes a little switch to go off in your mind to make it happen.
The part that scares and frustrates me is that I honestly don't think that the switch ever gets flipped for most people.
But know that I'm not just talking about jobs..... this could be relationships, too....
I've seen soooo many people stick it out in crappy relationships because they're already in it. The changes involved in getting out are too scary.... they second guess themselves, they wonder what their family will think, or whatever.
Let's face it- and I'm gonna put it bluntly here- if the person you're with doesn't put a smile on your face every day when you come home from work.... If they don't complete your existence..... if they don't astound you every day with their kindness, understanding, and support.... well, it is NOT going to get any better. Sorry.
If the person you're with makes you feel crowded, on edge, and restless..... if you just want to be alone all the time..... if you look for reasons to delay spending time at home with them.... if the 'spark' is gone.... it's probably not coming back.
People always say, "Oh, but you don't understand- when we get along, it's SO good....." What a bullshit line. If you only 'get along' half the time, then that should tell you something.
back to general vagueness......
Things won't get any better, no matter WHAT the problem is, until you stand the fuck up and make them better. Not I nor anyone else can make your decisions or fight your battles for you.
Please stop asking me what you should do. You KNOW deep down what you need to do, but you lie to yourself about it. You bleed inside every day because you're unhappy. YOU can fix it. Not me, not your other friends, not your parents, not sweet baby Jesus. YOU.
Look. I've spent the vast majority of my life as the black sheep in every single situation I've been in. Ask anyone who knows me.
And one thing rings in my head, over and over....
"To thine own self be true."
If you want go to bed at night and fall straight asleep with a clear concience... if you want to be truly happy and proud of yourself every moment of every day....
It doesn't matter where you are or where you've been- it's only footsteps away. I promise.
They're not always easy steps, but I'm always going to be here for you, arms outstretched, when you take them.
I'll always be there to support you when you call crying in the middle of the night, ashamed and alone.....
But I can't let you drag me further away from the light if you're not coming.
-t
I don't.
Some things continue to baffle me beyond comprehension. Especially when I'm half drunk and I realize that the times that I think I have it the most figured out are the times that I'm the farthest away from actually comprehending it.
Part of the curse of being an 'artist' (yes, i use the term loosely) is that moments of realization are sometimes just a flash in a pan. Sort of.
See, every now and then, I'll have a total revelation in which all things make perfect and complete sense. A moment in which I simultaneously realize, decide, and act with no doubts and no reservations. A blind leap, normally, with nothing but faith in fate itself to carry me along.
Soon thereafter, however, the feeling of total confidence and enlightment escapes my conciousness just as quickly as it appeared. I become disoriented, uneasy, I withdraw from social situations, I mope, I second guess, and I drink.
I normally feel like I have me figured out pretty well. My discovery and subsequent study of the Zen philosophy was basically like reading the thoughts that were already in my head, only written by someone else.
This has nothing to do with religion, though, only spirituality and general conciousness.....
I try to keep the things in my life as simple as they can be. I'm working hard towards cutting the things out that don't bring me happiness on a certain level. And I do realize that those things are different for me than they may be for other people.
But honestly, sometimes I get so frustrated and confused. And it's always when the human element gets added. Other humans.
Now please don't get me wrong, I'm a people person at heart. I'm a very social person by nature. I live to share and interact, to see people smile, and to relate to people. Because of that, I get asked for advice quite often..... It's just getting so hard these days....
Here's the way I look at things, in a nutshell.
Nothing HAS to be a certain way. No matter what you want to tell yourself, no matter what other people say. You and only you make the decision to do each and every single thing that you do each day.
If you don't like it, change it. It really is that simple..... why do some people have so much trouble grasping that?
If your job makes you miserable, then quit. Find something that makes you happy. But wait, you have bills, right? But that job doing something that fulfills you wouldn't pay enough, right?
Then look at it this way- you're already miserable. You probably spend the majority of your time either at your crappy job, or thinking about your crappy job. So what is the point to your existence? So you can work there for 20 more years and get to move 3 cubicles over for 30% more money? I hope that raise covers the treatment for your ulcers and your depression....
And that's the drawback for most people. They're just not willing to take a chance on being happy, because they don't really know what it feels like.
If you've never had a job, a special someone, a new toy, or just an inner peace that made you want to leap out of bed in the mornings and get going, then you're missing the bus, my friend. Because the happiness that comes with that is irreplacable. It IS out there.... it just takes a little switch to go off in your mind to make it happen.
The part that scares and frustrates me is that I honestly don't think that the switch ever gets flipped for most people.
But know that I'm not just talking about jobs..... this could be relationships, too....
I've seen soooo many people stick it out in crappy relationships because they're already in it. The changes involved in getting out are too scary.... they second guess themselves, they wonder what their family will think, or whatever.
Let's face it- and I'm gonna put it bluntly here- if the person you're with doesn't put a smile on your face every day when you come home from work.... If they don't complete your existence..... if they don't astound you every day with their kindness, understanding, and support.... well, it is NOT going to get any better. Sorry.
If the person you're with makes you feel crowded, on edge, and restless..... if you just want to be alone all the time..... if you look for reasons to delay spending time at home with them.... if the 'spark' is gone.... it's probably not coming back.
People always say, "Oh, but you don't understand- when we get along, it's SO good....." What a bullshit line. If you only 'get along' half the time, then that should tell you something.
back to general vagueness......
Things won't get any better, no matter WHAT the problem is, until you stand the fuck up and make them better. Not I nor anyone else can make your decisions or fight your battles for you.
Please stop asking me what you should do. You KNOW deep down what you need to do, but you lie to yourself about it. You bleed inside every day because you're unhappy. YOU can fix it. Not me, not your other friends, not your parents, not sweet baby Jesus. YOU.
Look. I've spent the vast majority of my life as the black sheep in every single situation I've been in. Ask anyone who knows me.
And one thing rings in my head, over and over....
"To thine own self be true."
If you want go to bed at night and fall straight asleep with a clear concience... if you want to be truly happy and proud of yourself every moment of every day....
It doesn't matter where you are or where you've been- it's only footsteps away. I promise.
They're not always easy steps, but I'm always going to be here for you, arms outstretched, when you take them.
I'll always be there to support you when you call crying in the middle of the night, ashamed and alone.....
But I can't let you drag me further away from the light if you're not coming.
-t
posted by tjayswift at 4:35 AM
2 comments
