maybe boredom is really the mother of invention...

... so while browing a little while ago, I came across The Brick Testament. It would appear to be a layman's interpretation of the bible, acted out by legos. While that in itself wouldn't really be funny or entertaining, the sense of humor in it... is priceless.

I'm not quite sure how seriously this whole thing was meant to be taken, but I was laughing my ass off at some of these...

first example: Numbers 5:14, 'If a husband becomes suspicious that his wife has had sex with another man, though he did not catch her in the act...'


Deuteronomy 22:13, '...and then turns on her and publicly accuses her, saying, "I married this woman, and when I had sex with her, I found no evidence of virginity,"...'


Leviticus 15:18, 'Whenever a woman has intercourse with a man...'


..... and working into the good stuff....

Leviticus 18:23, 'Do not have sex with any kind of animal. You would become unclean by doing so.'


Leviticus 18:23, 'Neither should a woman present herself to an animal for sex. It is a perversion.'



... and it just goes on and on and on..... I spent a good hour searching through and laughing. Sometimes I think I'm creative, but these guys are genius. Or just really bored.



-t

myspace

.....what a joke.



It's mostly a total shithole, but whatever. I'm not ashamed. Much. I know some people on there, have gotten back in touch with some folks from high school through it, and have met, well, let's not go there right now.

Anyway, I just wanted to let my blog peeps know that if you're on that pile of crap website, send me a friend request so that we can make fun of all the dummies together. And sometimes I post stupid bulletins just to mess with people. And even if you're not on there, my page streams one of my songs. And my "band" page (there's a link to it from the other one) has some of my stuff available for (free) download.

Some people have like 6,000 "friends" on there like it's some sort of high school popularity contest. Like you really win a fucking prize for being a hot chick showing your ass and having a blue zillion guys hitting on you on the intarweb. Congratulations, you're gonna make myspace student council now for sure!!

Once, I created a fake profile of a hot chick on there just to see what would happen. It was fucking HILARIOUS. Within 10 minutes of having created the profile, my inbox was full of desperate pleas from all sorts of loser guys hoping to score. A grand total of about 3 of them looked like a chick might possibly go out with them if they showered, but then they opened their mouths. It's amazing the lack of male quality the ladies on myspace have to choose from. They all have names like "G-DOGG" and "BORN HUSSLA." Except for the emo ones, who always have names like "my soul is a helicopter with your blood in my veins." I was getting messages like, "Hey sxe, just wanna let u know that I'm down for whateva. Your'e hot, and some bitches tell me I'm hot all the time.... so we should hang and shit. I'm really cool and down to earth I promise you like me. If you wanna kick it that's cool hit me back. PS- I gotta sweet car, I'll pick you up. My number is XXX-XXXX. holla back, baby." Only they spell worse and don't know how to capitialize for shit. tact. less.

My friends and I got a big kick out of fucking with people for like 3 days, but then it got old, so we deleted that shit. Too much upkeep....

Oh my(space) god, and the girls are even worse sometimes.... I have a couple of pics of myself on my motorcycles, and I keep getting messages from 17 year old girls saying "your bike is soooo hawt, when can i ride it with u?" Oh, that and asking me how far I can wheelie. I normally just tell them that my bike has no back seat and that their moms probably wouldn't like them riding around on a bike with a grown, tattooed man whom they just met on the internet.

And another fucking myspace pet peeve, while I'm at it..... -YOUR, YOU'RE. -THEIR, THERE. -KNOW, NO. -THEN, THAN. There IS a difference. Know and practice it. For grammar's sake, please. You will get absolutely no reply from me whatsoever if you fail at this simple task.

Jesus, I could go on forever.... how bout the people who send out 20 bulletins a day? And they normally only say shit like "I'm bored. Is anyone else?" or it's some stupid fucking 168 question survey that I wouldn't dare take the time to fill out myself, much less read all of your lame-ass answers. If I honestly gave a fuck enough about you to want to know how many times a day you brush your teeth, I'd just ask. K?

Needless to say, I "unfriend" a lot of stupid people.

Another personal anti-fave: the bulletins that say "You are now playing the hot picture game. Go to the friends profile who sent you this and comment on their hottest pic with the words, 'HOT PIC'." What it should really say is, "I have no friends and no self-esteem, and probably for a good reason, as none of the desperate fools on myspace care enough about me to comment on my sorry ass pictures of me posing with my ratty dog and '88 LeSabre."

If you don't know anything about myspace, then I must apologize right about this point. I'm sure none of this has made any sense whatsoever... but that's only because you're just not cool enough to be on myspace, of course.
-----------------------------


You know how there's cliché sayings like the Golden Rule, that you've heard all of your life, but it never really hits home until one day it smacks you upside the head hard enough to loosen a filling?

"If it seems too good to be true, it probably is." That's mine for the day.

You ever wonder why they started putting the "probably" in there?

Well, I talked to God earlier when we were making that church sign up there, and he told me that they added the "probably" to it when I was born. "There is an exception to every rule," he said. He's so funny. And all knowing, to boot.

-t

seriously...

012205
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

Something a little out of the ordinary has been happening recently. It's not a big thing, but it's just made me wonder...

Seriously- do I just look gay to some people?

Cause I'm not. Honestly, I've never even wondered how people see me until just now.

See, I host all of my pictures on Flickr... and part of the whole thing about Flickr is that you can browse and leave comments on other peoples photos.

It never happened until I started to post a pic here and there that shows a little skin... and the first comment didn't worry me any. Infact, I'd like to go on record as saying that I'm more than grateful anytime anyone finds me attractive. Male or female.

But it got a little strange when I got a comment that said, "Show us more!! Shake your money maker!!" I checked the profile of a dude who left a comment, only to see that he has *no* photos hosted there, but he's a member of a group of bearded gay men (more or less) on Flickr.

Others who have left comments have only pictures of hot unclothed men kissing in their albums. I've deleted a few of the less appropriate comments, but honestly, it's just sort of left me scratching my head.

I'm not pissed about it in any way (yay for people thinking I'm hot), but did I miss something? Is Flickr some sort of secret gay personals place and nobody told me? I don't get any chicks on there telling me that I'm hot, or requesting to see pictures of my penis...

I'm definitely not gonna stop posting semi-nudes there, and I could honestly care less if gay guys enjoy looking at them. Shit, I'd be more than happy to get rich selling pictures of myself in any state of undress to whoever would like to buy them. (hint, hint)

But this has all led me to other thoughts- upon examining my past...

I know that anytime I've gone to a gay bar with my gay friends, I get hit on like I'm the homo Brad Pitt. And even when I tell them that I'm not gay, they continue to offer drinks and press the issue. "You wouldn't be here if you weren't curious..." Followed by, "Well, if you'd just let me pleasure you, then that wouldn't make you gay, right? Pleeeeeease??" There was even actually a gay cat-fight once over me. I'll have to tell that story one day.

So here's the other thing I'm wondering- of course I've been to some bars and talked to some ladies.... and I always try to conduct myself as a total gentleman (Momma raised me right).

But ladies- In general, do straight guys treat you the same way gay guys treat me? Does it really feel so shallow and gross to be blatantly hit on by someone whom you know isn't after anything but some ass? Do you really have to deal with that sort of thing every time you go out?

I know I see it from time to time... Hell, I know that I have friends with no tact whatsoever- and I try to teach them how to be polite and courteous.

But really, am I just now seeing men the way women do?

If so, I must apologize on behalf of all the nice guys out there... keep looking- we do exist.

... And most of us are sick of only meeting girls who treat us like shit.



hugs and kisses,

-t

everyone is blogging

Tonight I got to play a few tunes with Jobe Blues Band at Baker Peters jazz club. It was a great time, with Chico Crawford filling in on keys, stirring up the funk like no other. The band invited me to sit in tomorrow night at 4620, which is another great Knoxville Jazz/Blues venue. See, I wasn't lyin when I told y'all I had all kinds of opportunites in front of me... hopefully something more regular will come my way soon.

No pics from this evening, but I promise to have some tomorrow nite for ya.

more soon. love y'all.

-t

what my name means, evidently.

Trix turned me on to this... click on the image to do your own.





Wow, that's deep. I think I need another drink now.

-t

more bathroom grafitti...

from a random bar in San Francisco last week.

Happy HNT....

My first... so I figured I'd try and make this one good. If you're not quite sure what HNT is all about, you can get the details here.... but in a nutshell, for the unfamiliar, it stands for "Half Nekkid Thursdays." All of the cool kids are doing it- at least that's what the cool kids are telling me.


Here's one I took last week with HNT in mind... and yes, they are cameraphone pics. If you don't like it, sorry. Or, as the Russians say, "tough shitzky."


.... and here's me upon waking up this morning. I hate waking up alone.



.... I have a really good one of K and I, but it'd probably be a good idea for me to get her permission before I post it. But it is hellllla sexy.... *wink*


Moving along...

We played more blues. Durty says this is a cute pic, so I'll post it up...


I have finally come to accept the fact that this is just my classic guitar face, however unattractive it may be-


I bought a new guitar, and it rocked ass at the gig last night... but no one took any pics. She's still unnamed at this point- any suggestions?


Random fact- I didn't realize until I was out and about today that I had subconciously coordinated my shirt with my underwear. Both of which were yellow. But the odd part is that I have exactly one yellow shirt and one yellow pair of droors.

... if you're looking for perv entertainment this week, Trixie's got ya covered. Her posts on oral sex (both ways) are both entertaining and just plain good advice.

My personal life, I must admit, is looking up. And I'm proud of that... it seems like I've got more opportunities to play music than I can shake a stick at, and it's all because of one thing-

I took the step.

At our annual company meetings in December, I was given a choice between two offers:

1) Move to California with a pay raise, and work my ass off from now until kingdom come.
2) Leave my full-time position and become a contractor.

Basically, the company doesn't have enough work for me to do in TN to justify keeping me on salary here (like that was a secret to anyone), but they certainly didn't want to get rid of me.... I asked some questions, and got some answers, and here's what we came to-

-The daily rate as a contractor is gooooood. Really, really good. Plus, as a contractor, I can get overtime (which I don't now), at a premium rate.
-The company will guarantee me one tradeshow of work a month, negotiated in six month blocks. Each show is generally 7 or 8 days. At the rate they offered me, I would only have to work 5 days a month to equal my salary now...
-My full-time position will not be replaced, so I don't have to worry about being squeezed out. They will also call me randomly to pick up extra work at said daily rate.

Obviously, there wasn't much thinking to do about this one. Have three weeks a month off in which to sit on my ass, ride motorcycles, play music, etc., and travel all over the world the other week? Sold.

So as of now, I consider myself semi-permenantly semi-retired. Road trip, anyone?

This year is shaping up to be fucking awesome.

Here's one more pic I thought some of ya may enjoy on this wonderful HNT- I pulled it out of the tjayswift archives.... from back when I had a little longer beard, and a little shorter hair.


Heading out to enjoy myself now.


-t

Sooooo busy...

Out here in San Fran working this week at MacWorld... It'll probably be Tuesday or so before I really have a chance to update worth a shit.

Hope everyone is doing well- just wantedto check in to make sure y'all don't think I've dropped off the face of the earth again.


Oh, and I was thinking about participating in HNT.... yay? nay?



-t

New Year's Day

new_years_ride
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

I slept off the alcohol. But not as much as I would've liked. I got my ass outta bed and saw what a fantasically beautiful day it was outside... then decided to head on up to my favorite place on the planet- Deal's Gap. I hung out there for a while with some of the East TN Riders crew and enjoyed the unseasonably warm temps.

TDOT put up our sign... thanks for all the hard work, guys. Sorry I couldn't be there.


I headed back to town, and then drove over to the stables for a bit to visit the girls. Check out my new baby Mia....




She's an extremely intelligent 2 year old, and should be fully broken sometime in the spring. I'm amazed that she's taken to me so quickly. She just can't get enough affection from me. See the way she perks those ears? That's pure love, baby...

Her flaxen mane and tail are just stunning...


Here's her older half-sister Zoe, a big, beautiful young lady. Zoe obviously didn't get the flaxen gene, but she does have that same gorgeous chestnut color. Her posture, gait, and composition are second to none. She's body clipped for shows, hence the blanket.


When I got ready to leave after we put the babies up for the night, this shot was begging to be taken....

So for now, I leave you with a pic of the tjaymobile-


I wish you all a wonderful new year... may all of your hopes and dreams come true in 2006. God knows I'm good and fucking ready for mine to- but I think I'm already well on my way.

Thanks 2005, for all of the fun, the heartache, and the lessons learned.


-t

NO SHIT 'TIL JACKSON

Found on the restroom wall at SunSpot, Knoxville, TN.... New Year's Eve.

A good night.

010106
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

I went to sleep with blood on my hands, beer in my belly, and a beautiful girl beside me. Completely satisfied.

Not much to complain about there....

It was (mostly) a quiet night... got to hang out with some good friends and enjoy some great music.

Scott Miller and the Commonwealth were quite impressive, as were Mic Harrision and The High Score.

The only way to really explain these guys is just that they're "Knoxville Rock." Basically what that means is that they'd be country if they weren't so damn punk rock, too. There's just something aurally pleasing about hearing a guy sing with a near-bluegrass twang about booze, broads, and brawls, backed by pounding drums and near-distorted guitars. It never really drifts too far into country/bluegrass, or to the more rootsy punk end of things- it mostly just hovers in that sweet middle ground that the rest of us like to call "rock and roll."



Scott's is the type of music that, for me, makes me proud of the town where I came up, the dues that I've paid, and the heartbreak that I've suffered. He always has a way of making you feel like he's had it way worse than you, and goddammit, he's gonna drink and sing about it all with you 'til the sun comes up.

In his own words, right around the stroke of midnight-

"Goodbye 2005, you son of a bitch."


-t