...and then, finally- it was Wednesday.

IMG_5245.JPG
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

I think I slept until about 4PM. Which is not completely over-indulgent, considering I was up trying to drink myself to death until about 9AM. And dammit, it never seems to work.

My good buddy Jenna is in from NorCal for the holidays, so of course I wanted to see her. Her father Rob is an amazing guitar player, and he plays every Wednesday night at our local blues club. Rob and I have played together before, and he has been more than gracious and encouraging of my skills- because, as we all know, young, middle class white boys don't generally get a lot of respect in the blues game. I truly do look up to Rob in many ways, and on Wednesday night, he didn't let me down.

Jenna had made a special request with her Dad that my buddies and I play a couple of songs, which wasn't a problem. I showed up ready to do a short set with Neal-o and the boys. But I got invited to jump in a little earlier for a few Stevie Ray Vaughan songs, which was a total blast. This, I would reckon, is my rock-star 'duh' face.



We wrapped up that set with an epic version of "Little Wing," a personal fave, and I got to take a much-needed break for a few minutes.

Then I hopped up onstage with Neal-o and crew, and we cranked out an ultra-fun set of a few of our cover tunes, including "Steal My Kisses," "Rocketman," "Wicked Game," etc.



Rob invited me to stay onstage and finish out the last set with his band, and I kindly obliged. That Gibson of his was sounding fantastic...



I SO get off on jumping in with a blues band and playing songs I've never heard before in front of a crowd- it's such great excercise for my creative mind. I've always enjoyed playing with Rob because he knows my boundaries, and gently, yet firmly, pushes them onstage.

He gave me plenty of room to solo and dig deep, and I did my best to put on a show.



When the smoke cleared and all the beer was gone, I'd been onstage for nearly 3 hours. Such a rejuvination for me. I love getting out and playing "rockstar" every now and then.

I felt like I did pretty well, which is relatively rare for me. But the reassuring part were the pats on the back and congratulations I got after I walked offstage. Guess I don't get onstage as much as I should anymore... There was a drummer from fairly successful local band in the audience, and he caught me as we were wrapping up and let me know that they'd really like to have me join them. That made my night.

We left the club and a few of us picked up some more beer and had a nice little after-party at my house. No pics from that- I'm not sure why, but it would seem that the girls are a bit uneasy about naked pictures of themselves circulating the interweb..

Next up is Jan. 4...... a Neal and the Leftswingers show at the Electric Ballroom. We'd love to see a few new faces in the crowd.... hope to see some of y'all there.

I'm all smiles right now, and that's a good thing.

-t

totally shameless...

a busy couple of days

nealson_and_tomfunkel
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

... so Monday night, I played the acoustic jam at Brackins with Neal-o, and that went pretty well, as it usually does. Nothing extremely notable from then, and the pics sucked, too.

Tuesday, however, we went out to Downtown Grill and Brewery to see my main man Scott McMahan perform for his CD release party. Scott ruled, as always.



Be sure and check out his website for details on how to get your hands on one of these spankin' new CDs.

Scott was gracious enough to let Neal-o and I do a set during his break, and that was a total blast. I'm not quite sure who to credit for the photo (Jimmie?), but this one turned out well-



Jimmie had a few drinks and starting preaching the gospel of Scott McMahan to Knoxville's homeless.


"And with this here wonderful compact disc full of flavorful and intimate original tunes by our savior hisself, you are HEALED!!!"



My friend Marci is cuter than a damn button.


Tuesday night was a lot of fun, and it was great to be able to catch up with some of my peoples. I love every one of y'all, and totally appreciate the support with all I've been going through.

I'll update in a bit on last night- it was a total epic, and deserves its own post, for sure.

And sometime here soon, I'll update regarding the "thing." Trying to keep it out of mind at the moment, and doing quite well at it.

stay tuned....

-t

Dear S... (part 2)

I'd kinda like to know just who you've been lying to- me or him. Maybe you are really happy with him- and you've only been telling me that you aren't to make me feel more special than I really am. Maybe my hunch is right and I'm the one who you feel right with, and you're only with him out of guilt and fear..... but I'm not sure either way. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of you trying to push me away. Do what you wish. Do what you feel is right. I'm gonna live my life. But don't lie to yourself.


-t

neal-o

neal-o
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

... got drunk enough to stay over... and that's a fucking miracle.


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!




-t

Christmas greetings from Joachim...

joachim
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

Joachim (ha-keem) is my buddy from Germany.... he sends these Christmas greetings to all of us in America...

It's okay if you laugh- he means well.



"Hallo Tommie

End the distance Germany! We wish you a happy and blessed christmas! Would hope to meet you soon once again, let it you good and would drink pastes not so much hunter master of that only glue the brain!

Take Care

Mfg J . Buhren"


addendum:
Joachim knows that my pup is named Jagermeister... and he thinks that is the coolest thing on earth-- I will post a pic of his gift for me soon...


I love my peeps worldwide... miss you fuckers pretty badly at times... and I swear to god- if shit gets any more god damn crappy for me- I'm moving to fucking Dusseldorf!!

The beer is better there, anygoddamnway.

I'll keep the rest of my perceptions to myself.

-t

A Quote from Neal...

"You can't polish a turd.... so stop trying."


Thanks, Neal-o.


-t

Dear S......

bird_of_paradise
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

I know that I shouldn't feel the way I do right now- but I miss you.

I'm having trouble seeing the fatal flaws that everyone tries to point out to me about you. I feel so much compassion, and I still feel the need to try and save you. I know that ultimately you can't be helped until you decide to help yourself, but that doesn't change my will.

The thing that hurts me the most is seeing someone that I love so much doing something that they are so uneasy about.... I can hear it in your voice when I talk to you- you're still scared, and feeling like you're making the wrong decision. You're afraid that you've put me through too much for things to ever be the same.

And maybe they couldn't ever be. But I was willing to try. I was willing to give it everything I had and more, because I always believed in you. I always had faith that you would do the right thing and follow your heart in the end.... and I know that you think that you're doing the right thing right now- but time will tell the truth. And it's that simple.

If you just don't feel that way about me, then fine. I can deal with that. If you'd rather be with someone else- fine. I can deal with that, too. But hearing the quiver in your voice and feeling the hesitation that eminates from your being, I worry about you. I worry that you knew as soon as you said the words that you weren't being true to yourself. I worry that fear and guilt are keeping you from making the decision that you really want to.

I worry that I've been your strength, and your backbone thus far, and that you're now crumbling and stumbling under the pressure of it all. I worry that you'll live every day of your life in regret of a few short moments.....

Earlier tonight, I was blaming myself for the conclusion of it all. I felt that I pushed you away. I beat myself up over the way I acted the last time we were together. I felt selfish for wanting you to address my feelings when you were at your wits end. But I still realized that none of it was my doing- that I shouldn't have to suffer for your fuck-ups.

But that's true love. All other things aside, I stood up for the way I felt about you. I only wish that you could have done the same for me.

I always believed in you.

T.

dammit. (the introduction to the resolution)

122305_2
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

This will be long. It will be ugly, sweaty and labored. It will be rambling, and probably lacking in proper grammatical structure and informational flow. And it may not even be readable.

------------------------------------------

Sometimes I think I've really lost it this time...
Why the fuck is it that even though I continually treat romantic partners like gawd-damn angels, I continually get shit all over? I'm really, honestly, completely over it, ladies and gentlemen.

... And EVERY time someone cheats on me or otherwise stabs me in the back, I hear the same words- "There is someone out there who deserves you, but not me." What in the hell is that about? My point is- fuck whether or not you think you deserve to be honored and cherished like a queen- I want YOU. Not the next person who comes along... YOU. YOU make me feel like the most important person on earth, and I merely do the same for you in return. It's give and take--- it always has been, and it always will be... no matter who you are with, or who I am with. Until you believe that you deserve someone who treats you well, you're doomed to be treated like shit. Because you will continue to push the good ones away. And I do understand that that's your fault, and not mine, but...

Yes, I know that I give my fragile little heart away much too easily. And the sad thing is the fact that it is so encouraged by the heartbreakers.... but at least I'm man enough to realize that that's just the way I am, and to be more careful about who I fall for and how fast I fall... and I HAVE been.

That's the problem. No more hack-ass dropouts, no more trust-fund materialistic bitches, no more reformed slutty whores, no more selfish former Miss Teen USAs (yes, I have) or L.A. bred models, just good old girl-next-door, wholesome, simple ladies who (appear to) have their heads on straight.

So, if I'm being soooo careful and picky about who I fall for, then how in theee hell do they all turn out to be man-eaters?? It's like they're all out for fucking blood these days. How do these professional, respectable women who appear to have it all together turn out to be so screwed up and heartless? Are all guys just total assholes to women anymore? I swear that I'm having the transgressions and shortcomings of other people held over my head, and that pisses me off.

I do understand and accept the fact that I’m not without fault or vice- and we can discuss those in detail anytime- but they all seem so minor compared to the things I’ve had to deal with from my girlfriends….

I'm a good, honest guy. Ask anyone who has ever met me. I'm a perfect gentleman- and not just to the girls who I go out with- to my Momma, to random little old ladies, to bums, to obnoxious children, to everyone. And this is why I'm pissed.

Now I do know that I'm no Brad Pitt- but c'mon, I'm reasonably attractive, right? I treat people well, I'm knowledgeable, intelligent, and well-traveled, I have a great job, my own house, and I'm well-groomed. I have plenty of drive and ambition. I open doors. I have a tough, manly side (riding motorcycles, wrenching, swilling bourbon), and I have a soft, sensitive side (singing, songwriting, hopeless romantic, etc, etc.). I'm funny and outgoing. I have thick skin incase you like to make fun sometimes, too. I get along with everyone- I've never had any of my girlfriends' parents not like me. I can talk hotrods, BBQ, and football with your Dad, and talk flowers, wine, and jazz with your Mom.

I try *really* hard to make things work. I always try to talk out any issues immediately, and to be polite and gentle when I need to bring up something that's less than pleasant. I never yell. Ever. I rarely even raise my voice. I am one of the most patient and encouraging people around. I'm good at listening, consoling, and cuddling. My Momma raised me right, and taught me to always treat a lady like a lady.

So what gives?

And before anyone asks- no, there is nothing wrong with or small about my penis, and yes, I do have some game.

I'll expound more on the most recent "shit-on-tjayfest" later. But my point (yes, dammit, I DO have one) is this- Does god just hate me? Why do I always pick the fucked-up ones when I think I'm picking the perfect ones? I really don't deserve to be treated like shit forever. I've never had a problem meeting girls (at all), but the problem is that I seem to attract the ones who stay perfect for a few months, things get serious, and then I find out that they're psycho-serial killers or something similar.

Anyone who knows my history will tell you that there may not be another man my age on earth with worse luck with women. And I'm honestly just dying to figure out where the problem lies- is it me?? Is there something about me treating them too well or being too nice? Is it just the woment that I'm naturally drawn to? Are there warning signs that I’m missing? Or is all hope lost?

Maybe there are no real answers…. Maybe the only answer is to hold my head high knowing that I did all I could, and move forward, unscathed. To not be afraid to love and to give so selflessly again….

I’ve always had a certain faith… not in anything in particular, just in fate, I guess- and I have always believed that my day will come- that one day I will be rewarded in some way for the way I have lived, and the hurt I have dealt with. I don’t feel it as much right now, but I know that it will all come back to me soon.

Goodnight.

-t

cameraphone pics...

dinner
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

No- your eyes do not decieve you- in order to attempt to make up for five weeks of silence on my end, I have posted THREE times in one day...

...just enjoy it while you got it, people.

I take tons and tons of spontaneous pics with my cameraphone, and it just dawned on me that I have yet to share any of them with my cyber-pals.

So here you are... We're only going back a short period of time- the past couple of weeks- but if you folks like them, I can post more.

BJ over at Cranberry's Salon in Maryville, TN did a fantastic job with my nappy mop- once again. Thanks, girly.



.... and don't let me forget to mention-



Peepers and I in bed. I miss cuddling with you, Peeps.



... and finally, a cute one I took of myself in bed in L.A.



Hope all is well this time of year for every single one of my friends worldwide. So many of you are on my mind more than you know....

Talk soon.


-t

a more up to date update.

stang_cherohala
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

Is my hair really getting that long? wow.

So.... on a more personal level- In L.A., I worked a lot. And it wasn't the normal smoooth as silk kinda event for me- lots of political junk to wade through. The event still happened just fine, and I held it all together, but it wasn't without its tense moments... Then I flew on up to Cupertino for some meetings, where I found out that my job will be changing slightly over the next couple of months- but I think it is going to be a positive change for me.... I'll disclose the complete details of the "change" as soon as I make my decision known within the company- gotta be careful, you know...

As soon as I got home and finished with the work I had to do there, I headed back on up to S's place- and I know you're all wondering.....

We drove back down to Lexington on Friday night, hung out and stayed the night with some of her friends, and then headed the rest of the way back down the TN to run a couple of errands on Saturday. Then back up to Lex for a party with the aforementioned friends (and you guys and girls were all awesome), before heading back up to her place on Sunday.

The short answer for the nosy among you- no, there is still no resolution. Trust me, I'm more anxious than you are about it. Really- trust me.

Today I went for a drive to rouse up some (now) bittersweet memories.... you may remember the post back in June about the fantastic motorcycle rides I had with my new companion- I decided to revisit all of those spots, and re-live the overwhelming memories that correspond. Yes, I know that's not the smartest thing for me to do right now, but those are the places that I always go when I need some thinking time. It just happened to hit really close to home today.

It looked like the water was kinda high above the dam at the Overlook, so perhaps the mist you see is from the spilling on the lower side. Sorry, but I didn't feel like walking the mile and a half in 30 degree weather to investigate.



Have I ever mentioned just how much I LOVE this road? These curves could go on forever, and I wouldn't care a bit... the scenery is soooo much different in the winter-



The Cheoah (the dam from the movie "The Fugitive") was gorgeous today- it's an amazing sight.



..... aaaaaaand- here's the point where I nearly lost it. For personal reasons, of course.



I won't say that some tears weren't shed between there and the Cherohala, but as soon as I got up over 4000 feet, all focus had to be directed toward the road... it was really beautiful, though.



Here's a neat barren shot from the lower end of the NC side...



So.... for a little rant- when you love someone- you REALLY love someone- how much is too much? What is the point where you say enough is enough? I always thought the answer was "when you're compromising yourself, and what you believe in, then that's the time to cut bait." But the problem here is that I'm just not sure what that is anymore- it's been so long, and I've stuck around based on faith and love through so much, that I'm unsure of where I draw the line anymore....

I've sworn to do anything within my power to make it work, and I truly meant that. But how long do I keep giving and having to be strong and wait while I keep getting hurt and pushed away? I do understand the reasons, and I do believe that they are justifiable, but... it just doesn't feel fair at all anymore. I'm soooo tired of dealing with this, tired of crying and being alone- and I wouldn't still have the faith that I have now if this hadn't been the most wonderful thing I've ever felt from the beginning...

I've always trusted my gut before- and it's honestly NEVER been wrong- but I just don't hear it anymore. It's completely silent. Maybe a little space and heartache will be good for me... maybe I'll find the truth soon.


-t

....in order to get you up to date...

122005
Originally uploaded by tjayswift.

So sorry for not being around as much- those of you close (and even some who aren't quite so much) know just how crazy it's been for me lately. I promise to make it all up to y'all.

Meanwhile, brace yourself for the pics- no juicy stuff this post, most likely, just the quick and dirty once again....

First off, I played another gig at the Electric Ballroom at some point, I'm not really sure when- the show went well, and we got a couple of good pics. I had a blast, as usual.



Went for a quick drive with Neal to see the last of the fall colors (that's how long ago this was-sorry)- and saw some true southern shit. Only in Tennessee, folks....



I headed out to Los Angeles and had a pretty good time, and some clients took me out to enjoy a Lakers game from their luxury box. The view was good, but the pictures were not...



In L.A. we stayed in a pretty hipster hotel called the Standard, which was nice, but definitely not for the faint of heart, or those who lack a sense of humor... you don't want to share a room here if you have self-esteem issues- check out the shower----



Closer investigation of the restroom revealed some subtle humor-here you have the sticker on the toliet paper-



Here you have the inside of the trashcan...



...and the book of hotel-branded matches....



cute speed-dials on the phone...



.... and FINALLY- your payoff- the hotel-branded condoms------





And as always, I never missed an opportunity to snap a pic or two of myself for ya....






I'm gonna go 'head on and hop to another update here in just a sec, after another bourbon/coke and a short break..... blogging ain't easy, but somebody's gotta do it...

-t